Did I eat too much? Did I eat too little? Is my dress on backwards? Are my shoes on the right feet?
Do I have enough jokes? Do I have any jokes? I need a drink. I hate myself. But that’s good yeah? That’s why you’re doing this. Because you hate yourself and you need validation from strangers. You desire to be laughed at and clapped at. You’re crazy.
Why would you do this? You’re painfully insecure and this is just going to add to that pile of negative memories that you try to find humour in. But that pile is piling up and the funny is getting smothered at the bottom. It’s handy you look like you’re laughing when you’re crying. This is a really tough way to get attention, maybe just tattoo your face?
Nobody loves you. Why didn’t you get a proper job? After this horrendous gig you should just run off stage, keep running and don’t stop until you find a man that you can trap with a baby. Slip off quietly and blame your biological clock for “early retirement from little success”.
You have no new jokes for this crowd. Don’t flatter yourself they won’t remember you anyway. Although your teeth might set off memories of your distinct lack of talent. Punch the air. Take a deep breath. Look at your watch. Only a few seconds…
And next up is Carol Tobin…
You can join stand-up comedians Carol Tobin and Eleanor Tiernan for an hour of mischief and mayhem on Friday, June 1st at 9pm in Kevin’s Bar, William Street.